


Blinkin' knickers, Sonny!

by peterscanavino



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, This is pure crack, i cannot emphasize this more, prolly deleting this later lmao, this is actually an abomination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 09:43:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11941461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterscanavino/pseuds/peterscanavino
Summary: The script of an episode of Law & Order: SVU that never made it to television.





	Blinkin' knickers, Sonny!

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored one day and found this TV script generator. I thought 'oh well' and decided to give it a try.

INT. MANHATTAN - AFTERNOON

Kind junior detective MR. SONNY CARISI is arguing with charismatic assistant district attorney MR. RAFAEL BARBA. SONNY tries to hug RAFAEL but he shakes him off.

SONNY  
Please Rafael, don't leave me.  
  
RAFAEL  
I'm sorry Sonny, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.  
  
SONNY  
I am such a person!

RAFAEL frowns.

RAFAEL  
I'm sorry, Sonny. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

RAFAEL leaves.

SONNY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, sarcastic detective MR. NICK AMARO barges in looking flustered.

SONNY  
Goodness, Nick! Is everything okay?  
  
NICK  
I'm afraid not.  
  
SONNY  
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...  
  
NICK  
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger burgle a bunch of elderly gents!  
  
SONNY  
Defenseless elderly gents?  
  
NICK  
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!  
  
SONNY  
Bloomin' heck, Nick! We've got to do something.  
  
NICK  
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.  
  
SONNY  
You can start by telling me where this happened.  
  
NICK  
I was...

NICK fans himself and begins to wheeze.

SONNY  
Focus Nick, focus! Where did it happen?  
  
NICK  
New York! That's right - New York!

SONNY springs up and begins to run.  
  
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SONNY rushes along the street, followed by NICK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

. NEW YORK - SHORTLY AFTER

DEVIN ALEC a ruthless mugger terrorises two elderly gents.

SONNY, closely followed by NICK, rushes towards DEVIN, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

NICK  
What is is? What's the matter?  
  
SONNY  
That's not just any old mugger, that's Devin Alec!  
  
NICK  
Who's Devin Alec?  
  
SONNY  
Who's Devin Alec? Who's Devin Alec? Only the most ruthless mugger in the universe!  
  
NICK  
Blinkin' knickers, Sonny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless mugger in the universe!  
  
SONNY  
You can say that again.  
  
NICK  
Blinkin' knickers, Sonny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless mugger in the universe!  
  
SONNY  
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

  
Devin turns and sees Sonny and Nick. He grins an evil grin.

DEVIN  
Sonny Carisi, we meet again.  
  
NICK  
You've met?  
  
SONNY  
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SONNY is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DEVIN. He takes off his headphones.

DEVIN  
Would you like some caramels?

  
SONNY's eyes light up, but then he studies DEVIN more closely, and looks uneasy.

SONNY  
I don't know, you look kind of ruthless.  
  
DEVIN  
Me? No. I'm not ruthless. I'm the least ruthless mugger in the world.  
  
SONNY  
Wait, you're a mugger?

SONNY runs away, screaming.

. NEW YORK - PRESENT DAY

DEVIN  
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.  
  
NICK  
(To SONNY) You ran away?  
  
SONNY  
(To NICK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

SONNY turns to DEVIN.

SONNY  
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

SONNY runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

SONNY  
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.  
  
DEVIN  
I'm not scared of you.  
  
SONNY  
You should be.

. BROOKLYN - LATER THAT DAY

SONNY and NICK walk around searching for something.

SONNY  
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.  
  
NICK  
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.  
  
SONNY  
You know nothing Nick Amaro.  
  
NICK  
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DEVIN appears, holding a pair of guns.

DEVIN  
Looking for something?  
  
NICK  
Crikey, Sonny, he's got your guns.  
  
SONNY  
Tell me something I don't already know!  
  
NICK  
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.  
  
SONNY  
I know that already!  
  
NICK  
I'm afraid of the dark.  
  
DEVIN  
(appalled) Dude!

While DEVIN is looking at NICK with disgust, SONNY lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

SONNY  
Prepare to die, you ruthless potato!  
  
DEVIN  
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of elderly gents!

RAFAEL enters, unseen by any of the others.

SONNY  
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenseless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sonny Carisi defender of innocent elderly gents.  
  
DEVIN  
Don't hurt me! Please!  
  
SONNY  
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!  
  
DEVIN  
Because Sonny, I am your father.

  
SONNY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

SONNY  
No you're not!  
  
DEVIN  
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

  
DEVIN tries to grab the guns but SONNY dodges out of the way.

SONNY  
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DEVIN slumps to the ground.

NICK  
Did he just faint?  
  
SONNY  
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

SONNY crouches over DEVIN's body.

NICK  
Be careful, Sonny. It could be a trick.  
  
SONNY  
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Devin Alec is dead!  
  
NICK  
What?  
  
SONNY  
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

  
NICK claps his hands.

NICK  
So your guns did save the day, after all.

RAFAEL steps forward.

RAFAEL  
Is it true? Did you kill the ruthless mugger?  
  
SONNY  
Rafael how long have you been...?

RAFAEL puts his arm around SONNY.

RAFAEL  
Long enough.  
  
SONNY  
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Devin Alec.  
  
RAFAEL  
Then the elderly gents are safe?  
  
SONNY  
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

RAFAEL  
You are their hero.

The elderly gents bow to SONNY.

SONNY  
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Devin Alec will never burgle elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.  
  
RAFAEL  
You are humble as well as brave!

  
One of the elderly gents passes SONNY a gold ring.

RAFAEL  
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.  
  
SONNY  
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

SONNY  
Well, if you insist.

SONNY takes the ring.

SONNY  
Thank you.

The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

SONNY turns to RAFAEL.

SONNY  
Does this mean you want me back?  
  
RAFAEL  
Oh, Sonny, of course I want you back!

SONNY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SONNY  
Well you can't have me.  
  
RAFAEL  
WHAT?  
  
SONNY  
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.  
  
RAFAEL  
But...  
  
SONNY  
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Nick.

NICK grins.

RAFAEL  
But...  
  
NICK  
You heard the man. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!  
  
RAFAEL  
Sonny?  
  
SONNY  
I'm sorry Rafael, but I think you should skidaddle.

RAFAEL leaves.

NICK turns to SONNY.

NICK  
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?  
  
SONNY  
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly NICK stops.

NICK  
When I said I'm afraid of the dark, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?

THE END


End file.
